'Depression'

title : Hello you little angel :)

introduction : 'i'm sure you have been missing me! right?'

(feeling still tired and hot because of the Cyprus weather, sitting on my brother's bed inour small but cute room, typing like a maniac my emotions. again.)

So..we are in Cyprus after our second year of university. how i feel about that? not so good as it sounds.

i mean i think about you all the time. no friends at all and the worst? all day i spend inside my house, something that is not the definition of 'Best Summer Holidays'.

if i could name this chapter of my life i could deffinetly named it 'Depression' (which i just did)

ok someone who doesn't know me will think 'what's wrong with this sociopath?'

Oh well the problem is bigger than i thought. i miss my baby (Sebastian), i have no summer job and no friends at all. no one to discuss with and it starts all over again.

Sooo..

1. i miss my baby because he is 67km away from me..so i need my Serius (my car's name and yes i named it like this because for me it's cool) but my mum's car is used by her boss so she needs my teddy. unfortunatelly my baby has no driving license so it's up to me this situation.

2. i have no summer job which means 0 euros in my pocket 0 euros in my bank account and 0 possibilities to see my baby..please note that it's the first time in my life when i can't find a job. so sad about it..

3. my friends..Zaklin and Maria. I can see Maria twice a month..that means about 6 hours in a total if we are not going anywhere to spend more time together. about Zaklin because of my family which doesn't agree that i'm 21 years old and i need to meet my friends i can't meet her..and this is the point when i feel ruined..:( miss my girls so much..

4. i'm home alone. not actually alone. because i have the three little ladies with me Mitsi,Coca and Carlita (doggies) and my little brother sleeping all day :) not he is not so little he's 17 in December.

why i'm telling you this?

because i'm sad and i really found in this haos what i really need want and miss.

here we are:

what i really need is

-my baby

-Carlita Asterix and Maya (aww..Maya..:'( )

-courage to deal with everything every day

-a job 

- a house

-to finish my studies

i want

-all the above

-love

-hugs

-to cuddle in bed

-to sleep for a week

-to write a book (a dream that i want to make true..)

-to have babies..no more than 3

-to have a happy family

-to be brave enough to deal with illness and situations.

i miss

-everything 

i want to delete

-my emotions

-the bad things in my life

-lies

-false people

-this kind of parts of my entire life

note to myself:

MAKE THE DAYS COUNT!

p.s. Baby, i love you..

'without you'

i'm not emotionally damaged anymore. but i have moments that i really miss you. so badly that i can't stop my heart beating. i know you won't read this but i need to share my feelings with or without you. that smile gave me such a cold and sick feeling. i can almost feel you everywhere and i'm so terrified! i can't petrify my heart but i can let it happen. it's so sad that we used to know each other so damn good and now? now we are completely strangers. we choose it, right?!
i didn't choose to sleep with you and take away my love. did you?
i didn't choose to love you but it happened and it was the greatest thing ever. what happened to us darling?! who can choose for us, if we are not?
the thing is that even when i'm sleeping i dream about you all the time. i can't stop loving you like this. love it's not a bubble soap. give me a nail and it's done. i tried to understand what you feel, to understand your needs but i can't step on your steps when you're running away. like nothing happened. and the question is why we are still in love? 
why can't you see how much i need you? how much i needed that hug when i failed? how much i missed your voice saying that i'm yours no matter what. where are your eyes looking so happy when i'm in pain? why other girls are so important to you? and why your friends are so funny when you don't have the time to stay with me?
you lie. i lied- and we are not the same. not as we would like to be. the point is that i'm still in love with your eyes, your arms and your smile. i'm so in love with your voice and i wish i had the power to get back in time and grab you to leave from here. to get lost anywhere in this world. away from everything, to have our own story. to live by ourselves. but now..i don't have the courage darling.
without you the feeling of sadness has no ending.
the important thing is that reality breaks my heart but in my dreams i can create my own world where you hold me in your arms and your love fill me with hapiness. how much i can do it? i don't know but i hope that one day or one minute you will stop and grab my hand and say: 'let's do it.'



my darling,

one love-one breath-last fight.